Sunday, October 21, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Well I know I have been horrible at keeping up my blog.. please forgive me truly it has not been my intention to fall behind.. I do try to write on one or two of my blogs and I do try to keep up with memoir writing but my intentions for the most part seem to fall apart due to chronic fatigue these days.. I also lose track of what I was doing from time to time as well.  

My concentration on completing tasks or multi-tasking is just non existent these days and I really can't say more other than I am sorry for that.. I keep thinking that someday maybe everything will just fall in place with me .. I have no idea how .. but I can still hope and pray that my life will get easier at some point .. possibly I will eventually somehow get my poor heart fixed and I will feel better.. I know plenty of people I know keep saying how they had heart surgery and they felt better than they ever did.. and all I can say is good for them.. I can only hope that may be me someday.. but for now.. all I can do is wait..

I can't even explain how disappointed I am that I sit here and as I write I have chest pain .. I took my meds so don't worry they will subside eventually.. anyway I just wanted to write and say I am still alive..

Next month I have like what seems a continuous stream of doctor appointments so I hope the weather doesn't start getting bad.. seems like the temps have really started to drop and it rains almost everyday..  I have never been a person that does well in cold weather or extremely hot.. and ..Definitely not a snow or ice type person.. I am however hoping it stays in the 60s for a long time.. not that I really go anywhere but it makes it easier to go to my doctors when it isn't so hot (or cold for that matter)..

Talk to you guys later.. The End.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

I know I haven't been very good at keeping up with my blog.. Don't judge me I have been caught up with my medical issues and I have come to accept what my doctors describe as anxiety and depression.. Trust me never thought I would ever utter those words outloud.. First thing I guess they are right I have been paralyzed with my medical conditions and the fight I have had in paying my bills, etc.. Struggling to decide what to do going forward is difficult to say the least..

So I would like to take this moment to talk about Brett Kavanaugh for one thing I have been glued to the hearings and now the confirmation.. and I have to say I was a victim to sexual violence and write about my life in my memoir however I have struggled with this issue of confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh in more than just what he did back in his high school years.. from what I witnessed during the hearing with Ms. Ford .. He was outright defensive and showed no dignity during his attack of the hearing senators.. it was shameful and is shameful at how the republicans can not see from his demeanor .. I will agree he drank obviously too much during his high school years and college.. and for all we know he still drinks too much when at home .. but moreover even if you believe he did not do what he is accused of and which I truly do believe that whether he did or not, he had the ability to do so with the testimony of the people that knew of his drinking .. but either way .. it is what he shows now as his demeanor that concerns me more than anything .. literally it was evident on his face and in his tone and words during the hearing that he has contempt for the process of investigation that is necessary to confirm him ..he talked of due process but than spoke words of anger and injustice.. when he himself knows that anyone with a drinking habit such as his could have very well done things not worthy of confirmation to the highest court.. yet this was a hearing to hear his voice as well as Ms Fords yet he vomited spite and showed at least to me that he can not hold his temper .. is this what we want in a supreme court justice .. you have to ask .. and if he can show this anger and contempt in a public forum than what is he like at home in private.. I watched his wife behind him and I prayed for her because I would bet a million dollars that in private when he gets truly angry and has too much to drink he is the type to be violent .. throw things, slams doors, vomit words if not cause her to walk on egg shells and struggle to keep her children away from viewing his anger, and lack of control..

I lived like that for years and I can honestly say I blame her for not coming out that yes he does partake in alcohol too much at times even now and his anger does get out of control.. He needs to be held to a much higher standard if he is to be confirmed and it is shameful that our country does not understand what they have done..  God forgive them for they know not what they do..

He does not have the temperament to be in our highest court.. and everyone knows it.. 

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Okay just wanna take time to say ..Hi everyone.. and I just delivery ..gotta remember not to do that from strange places.. because it was a big waste of money.. I ordered from la Siesta broad st Murfreesboro .. can you say greasy and cold.. very poor quality.. sad but threw most of it away
just had to sound off..

I really have been resting most of the day.. looking forward to the new show  A Million Little Things tonight on ABC.. should be a really good show from all the hype that it has had..

I know last night when the new season of   This Is Us  aired.. I felt like it was a good start to a new season.. looking forward to how the season plays out

However I can honestly say followup to Sons of Anarchy called Mayans M.C. on FX is a poor follow up to SOA.. very poor at least at this point, the whole cartel aspect is all that it has going for it.. I just loved Sons of Anarchy because it played up the biker drama that you would expect .. guns, drugs, sex and more sex not to mention drama galore.. Mayans is trying to be a break off series but other than a few cameo appearances and references to SOA .. it just has yet to keep my interest..  so stay tuned

I will be adding more soon to my   TV and Movie Reviews You can TRUST  

So stay tuned.. The End

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Okay .. I know I've not been on here.. but I haven't felt good and today is no different but since my chest pain woke me up this morning and I am sitting here waiting for my medicine to take effect I thought I would write on my blog..

Just wanna say it is discouraging to tell your doctor that your chest has been very prevalent with referred pain in the jaw and to know that if I went to the ER that they would freak and for what -- just to run a bunch of tests.. I just get so tired of everything.. gotta wait until I am for sure they will help me and finally do my heart surgery  .. I hate living alone, just depressed I guess..

Anyway don't worry I can feel the pain starting to ease..

I have started writing a few notes to my kids.. not many just wanted to leave them a few notes to tell them if anything does happen that I love them more than they will ever know.. and I hope that they will always remember that.. sounds depressing but it makes me feel better to say my thoughts on paper ..

Always has.. writing has always been a release for me .. I can only hope that my kids will somehow continue my love for writing and start blogging after I am gone.. perhaps a blog to still talk to me ..sharing their lives through words..

I think it would be unique and who knows maybe it will go viral..

I also need to do more reviews on my favorite TV and movies.. today..

I will try to write more later.. The End

Monday, August 27, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Well.. I guess you might have been wondering where I have been .. I haven't been anywhere ..just depressed I guess..

I even told my doctor..I feel as though this waiting thing for benefits has been weighing on me.. Even if I was to try and go back to work I can never be totally truthful..what am I supposed to do express to a new job that I have a blockage in my heart and may need to take off more than average if I am feeling bad . the list is endless of my medical complaints..  fatigue, brain fog, blood sugars fluctuations.. stomach pain.. chest pain... just too many complaints..

so yeah I am depressed, my doc who is a female said hang in there .. I deserve benefits and will eventually get them but it is a process and she knows how hard it must be.. I told her it is harder to know that I have to use money I didn't want to use and she told me it will be okay.. she will keep me in her prayers..

I also told her how awful short term (Prudential) has been to me .. what awful things were written in my medical report I received... She said she knows how they make it seem is awful .. but we (both her and me) know it is untrue.. She said we both know I have dealt with so much over the years and there is no correlation between one complaint and another..  terrible insurance people are only out to keep their money instead of paying out to deserving claimants..She told me to call State Insurance Examiner on them..

Anyway I'm depressed.. and I am just here .. haven't been online much but I am still here.. just wanted to say I need everyone's prayers.. and a good swift kick to get out of this slump.. I haven't even cleaned my apartment in a few days..

talk to you later.. The End

Friday, August 17, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Hi everyone.. well its been another day, I've been just sitting taking it easy of course.. cooking my dinner right now.. was recently told my A1C (sugar) has dropped to 8 .. which is good for me

I have no idea what is on TV tonight but I will probably work on my movie reviews tonight.. I don't think that blog has really taken off yet.. so if you get a chance to check it out please do..

It is relatively new and definitely a work in progress but it brings me enjoyment and I'm sure you know due to my health conditions .. anything that brings me a little happiness is a good thing..

I will write more later.. The End

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Okay so it is almost 2:30 am and most nights I might be struggling to get to sleep but tonight a little less than an hour ago I was sleeping soundly when I heard a knock at my door, three or so taps .. definite knocks but not in anyway banging.. my dog went berserk and I of course jumped from my sound sleep.. heart racing ..and scared to death..

You see I live in an apartment complex and just today there was some kind of situation here and the cops swarmed the area.. I didn't see them but others told me about it ..

Anyway I always have the hall light on and usually bathroom as well.. my first thought was to look out the peephole ..(trust me my first thought was definitely not to open the door .. I know better)..

My dog was starting to quiet down but I gave it a second before I looked out the peephole ( I thought if they were seeing light inside when I tried to look out the light would be blocked for a second or two) .. in any case I didn't see anyone when I looked through the peephole

I called the police..after all I had my cell grasped firmly in my hand the minute the knock woke me up.. I knew if I called them it would make me feel more comforted especially if I knew they were in the area..  I listened after reporting the incident and waiting for the police to show up at my door..

When the police did come by they said someone else had just heard knocks on their door the next street over and when they shouted at them through the door the person said that he was locked out of his home .. the police said they would continue to drive around the area.. and warned me definitely not to open the door to anyone...
I assured them I wouldn't  ..

They said it is usually a test to see if someone is home and in many cases it can be a good thing to shout through the door .. as long as you don't open it .. but my dog was a good deterrent .. sometimes being quiet can lead to them think no one is home..

I said goodnight and thanked them and locked up .. so here I sit.. damn..I have had this happen once before I think it was last year ..and I can't remember what I did.. I know I didn't call the police..Brain foggy.. or maybe just old ..can't even remember things the way I once did..

Here is hoping I can lay back down.. Good Night  The End

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Here I am again up late.. I just can't sleep anymore when I want to. Instead I only sleep when my body gives into the side effects from my medicine.. For example Jordy left around noon today and I had already started to feel myself to give way to fatigue so I layed down and slept until about 4 pm..

Anyway here it is after midnight and I am listening to relaxing music and blogging.  My little dog Pepper is sleeping on the couch .. I looked over at him and he looks so peaceful but I know it irritates him that I have the light on .. The reason I know this is he will eventually move into one of the back rooms when he has had enough of the music and lights being on.. Then once I turn everything off and lay back down he comes back into to lay with me .. and this usually plays out about 3 or 4 times a week.. so this up and down thing doesn't just effect me, he has to deal with it as well.. poor doggy..

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

source: Let Her Go - acoustic cover by Jasmine Thompson
I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know
Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....
So, take my love...take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

source: Landslide - Fleetwood Mac

Love that song .. remember when I was younger I use to play it over and over again .. Stevie Nicks always was one of my favorite artists.. Sad I know but I always felt comforted because the lyrics kinda enveloped you.. 

Okay so I am going to try again to lie down..  Goodnight.. The End

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Today is Jordy's Birthday Party and she spent the night with her Nana last night .. I'm not going of course to the party too much action for me, can't keep up if you know what I mean.. but at least she got her presents already from me .. she is growing so fast .. all my grandkids are.. and I desperately wish I could see them all like I get to see Jordy but its hard to get up there and I know my kids are all busy so I understand that Brooke can't always come here but it does hurt a little ...after all someday I won't be here and I would like to see them more.. wish things were different in so many ways
Sometimes I think I think I will just go but I can't plan so far in advance because I never know how I will feel or the weather

Anyway.. Jordy is still here at the moment waiting for her mommy to come and get her .. I have to run to Clicklist in a bit ..and pickup my order I had to wait until today to use a few coupons so I have to pickup those items today..

I just took a bath which made me feel better than I first woke up.. you know how you wake up and just can't get moving until a hot bath makes you feel more like moving your joints.. that was me today.. Dr office called yesterday they want me to go and pickup more Vitamin D today because I am deficient .. been taking it for so long .. hate taking more pills definitely.. my A1c was only 8.0 which is GREAT news.. Right?

talk to you later  The End

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Wednesday was pretty normal I guess, just took it easy..  It stormed around lunchtime so it was a pretty good day to be just a couch potato.. LOL.. Anyway I guess I am starting to get over the infection (flu thingy) because I finally can breathe a little easier, which is a good thing.. Anyway today is Thursday and I got up took my medicine and had to go to the store and pick up a few groceries.. but using coupons I did manage to save around 30.00 so that is good right? 

If I haven't mentioned it yet Krogers grocery store has a relatively new service called Clicklist and I use it basically all the time now.. you can get online and order your groceries utilizing your member card with all the digital coupons and save quite a lot .. there are other savings you can get that are strictly for Clicklist patrons and of course when you bargain shop online you can look for the best prices.. (example you need peanut butter and search for peanut butter and it pulls up a ton of peanut butter items you can see what the brands cost and it even shows if there is a coupon available for that particular one..) Great Right? 

I love Clicklist .. it is convenient for me because I live right next to the store and it means I can get the items based on when I want to vs.. online delivery of groceries where you have to possibly wait due to delivery times and traffic for them to come to your door.. Walmart and Target also have pickup and I am sure I am leaving some off..  Publix and Amazon I think both have online order and delivery of your grocery items.  Another point to mention with all of the stores is that if they don't have something available they will either substitute it or call you to ask if you might like something else..

Either way delivery or pickup online grocery shopping has definitely picked up among shoppers because it offers more convenience.. especially when you just need a few things and the thought of going in and waiting in line to check out is well lets just say a little overwhelming ..

One of my daughters states it makes her coupon shopping orders easier since she can review all her sale items and take her time doing her mega shopping events.. which I am sure it does because she has two little children.. I know when I was younger with my own little ones it would have come in real handy.

So if you haven't tried online grocery shopping what are you waiting for.. DO IT!  I can promise you ..that you will not regret it..

The End..

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Well last night I started a new blog reviewing TV shows and movies, I think I just wanted to be a little bit more constructive with my time..and doing reviews of my favorite picks for entertainment seemed more lighthearted than my everyday existence.  After all I am still under the weather on top of my normal ailments and since at present I am not working my life seems for lack of other words mundane (repetitive and humdrum). 

Anyway I have a doctor appointment today and I am trying to get enough energy up to get out of the house.. I don't sleep that well (especially while fighting this cold flu thing) so I have to push myself more than usual these days..

Oh yeah about the new blog, if you do add it to your regular reads remember to keep an open mind after all I just wanted to share my opinion on shows and movies that were not only entertaining but in many cases thought provoking and timeless. My only hope is that you may end up viewing something you haven't previously seen based on my review. 

I'm going to go for now and find something to eat.. since the only thing I have eaten so far this morning is some cottage cheese and fresh pineapple and I still hungry..

So I will talk to you later.. The End
Taking One Day At A Time

New Blog Released 

The End.. 

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Well it is almost time for my Sunday shows .. on ABC network.. so I didn't really do much of anything still struggling to breathe .. tried to watch a couple of movies .. B movies that is and nothing really caught my eye..

Thinking of making a My Favorite list of movies worth watching and TV series as well (don't worry I will share my lists as I make them online).. not that I am that much of an authority but I do think in some circles I could be.. after all I spent several years overseas with military and I can remember getting ready to leave and someone suggested that I tape as much of  TV as I could since overseas there wasn't that much TV in English available and I had little kids.. VCR tapes had just made an appearance and I can remember not only did I have to buy a VCR, but I quickly had to decide what to tape to take with me .. Cartoons were number 1 on the list .. than I remember I bought as many  Disney VCR tapes as I could before I had even left.

In the end though it was overseas in Germany that I essentially widened my library of movies and by the time I came back to the states I think I had over 5,000 movies.  All of which had literally become an obsession with me while stationed there, and were the first things loaded by movers to come back with me to the states. They are all gone now.. since over the years they degraded and during my most recent move to Tennessee I had to ultimately downsize.  I use to hate that I had wasted so much money on those tapes but I resigned myself that I did it for our entertainment and the kids enjoyed them so very much.

After moving back I added a little here and there, as I was a card carrying Blockbuster movie nut.. but here it is 2018 so VCR movies are considered old school and DVDs are also going out of style .. even cable TV is going out of style since most of us use multimedia alternatives such as Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu..

However I still have cable for most of my regular TV watching and of course you can always go to the movie theaters to still see flicks..

Ultimately I do think I am still a movie buff and still give reviews for the latest flicks I have watched .. even if most of my reviews fall on dead ears ... ( for instance my dog Pepper seems unimpressed)
Taking One Day At A Time

Well I am awake.. woke up at 6 am and couldn't lay back down so here I am writing again.. need to find an ezine that needs a freelance writer and yes I am also back to listening to music again.

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

source: Lyrics to Stand By Me

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Well I am still sitting here listening to music ..depressing I know but I just can't get comfortable enough to lay down ..

I have been looking around the internet for things to do... things to read.. comment on and little daydreaming .. blogging ..  writing keeps me busy.. just basically sitting quietly.. I probably need to eat but I really don't have much of an appetite.. which is normal when you don't feel very good..

I am doing pretty good on my weight.. I've lost a little weight especially here lately .. so that is a good thing..  :)

Consuming all the air inside my lungs
Ripping all the skin from off my bones
I'm prepared to sacrifice my life
I would gladly do it twice
Consuming all the air inside my lungs
Ripping all the skin from off my bones
I'm prepared to sacrifice my life
I would gladly do it twice

Oh, please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don't mean to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart
Would you please have mercy on me
I'm a puppet on your string
And even though you got good intentions
I need you to set me free

source: Mercy - Shawn Mendes

Father tell me, we get what we deserve
Oh we get what we deserve

And way down we go-o-o-o-o
Way down we go-o-o-o-o
Say way down we go
Way down we go

You let your feet run wild
Time has come as we all oh, go down
Yeah but for the fall oh, my
Do you dare to look him right in the eyes?

Cause they will run you down, down til the dark
Yes and they will run you down, down til you fall
And they will run you down, down til you go
Yeah so you can't crawl no more

And way down we go-o-o-o-o
Way down we go
Say way down we go
Cause they will run you down, down til you fall
Way down we go

source: Way Down We Go - Kaleo
Taking One Day At A Time

Sitting here still on this computer why I have no idea, definitely need to be resting probably.. but my chest is feeling so heavy .. don't feel like I could really lay down without not being able to breathe..

sick sick sick

Anyway.. I was just sitting here listening to music and isn't it funny how songs remind you of times gone by .. my mind just wonders especially when I am sick ..

I definitely have to work on my finishing my memoirs .. so much to say and in the end I would like to leave my story after all it is my life.. my history.. and what made me who I am ..

In the end after I am gone it will show both the good and bad of who I was and I am okay with that .. because maybe it will help someone not make the same mistakes .. or not stop holding on to their sanity, hopes, and dreams ..and isn't that what ever person hopes they leave behind in this world for others.. a story that hopefully saves them from repeating the wrong paths in life .. helps them hold on when life feels like a ledge that their fingers barely have a grasp on ..

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
And I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

source: I See Fire by Ed Sheeran

Life .. Something that everyone is given .. where every path you take impacts your destiny ..every wrong is like a scar you will carry with you for eternity .. and even with the best intentions most everyone in this world will never make every right turn.(after all we are only human), but ultimately our goals, hopes and dreams are defined by the choices and paths we have chosen along the way.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

source: Say Something - A Great Big World 

Love.. Something that we all strive to have in our lives but in the end seems all to fleeting .. However looking back every person should remember love is not something you can force, not something that can be held captive .. but something given freely

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

source: A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

Happiness.. Something that can mean many different things depending on who you ask.  In the dictionary it is described as a feeling of well being, contentment, something that provides enjoyment.
I must admit over the course of my life it was something I searched for desperately..  and it is something I think most of us hope to find.. such as to be happy in life.. happy in love.. and so forth.. In the end I have come to the realization that happiness is what you ultimately make from within yourself.. Such as one can either sink or swim.. drown or choose to rise above it all .. I have many times thought that was one of my biggest mistakes in life.. searching for something I ultimately had all along..
I think now that happiness is not something you can find.. such as in a person or thing.. Money doesn't buy happiness and neither does finding that certain someone ..there is no gold at the end of a rainbow .. but instead happiness is being able to hold your head up .. finding joy in what you have (no matter how small) ..forgiving yourself and finding happiness on who you have become.. 

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

source: Try - Colbie Caillat
The End..

Taking One Day At A Time

So I started getting sick about a week ago and it started slow but by Wednesday it was definitely starting to be a nuisance.  I got medicine from my doctor but of course what does ever head cold end up being?  (down in your chest Right!) Yep.. and today is Saturday .. keep in mind saying I feel like crap is kinda an understatement.  I am coughing, blowing my nose constantly with tons of drainage and I can feel the weight in my lungs.  YUK!

I have medicine but of course all I can do is try and make the symptoms a little more easier to deal with .. colds and flu just basically have to run there course and taking medicine hopefully just makes the symptoms a little bit easier to deal with.

Anyway on top of all my other medicine.. I look to pretty much move slower than a sloth today.. couch potato sort of thing.. I guess my dog will have to take care of me..

I don't know if I will try and write more later but I will try.. Have a good day everyone and stay positive this too shall pass.. LOL

The End

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Well I must have the start of some kind of summer flu type thing, presently I just seem to have a sore throat and nasal drainage, along with this mysterious rash thing that rears it's ugly head every now and then..  Lets just say I feel miserable and that is on top of all my regular ailments.. Don't worry, any flu like symptoms minor in comparison. 

So I thought I would catch you up a little more on my life.. I guess you could say I have aspirations to someday get all my articles together in pamphlet form. Would be nice to do some writing again after taking such a long break. After all I miss writing, it was always a good outlet for me.  I just have to get motivated enough. Some days are better than others, so on the good ones maybe I could sit down and try to organize them into a more user friendly format, some sort of reference in layman's terms. 

I also would like to finish my memoir someday, I was thinking about that the other day.  I think even though I am somewhat of a procrastinator, it needs to be finished and late at night I recount the stories in my head.. After all I think I am much more a storyteller than a polished writer, but I take that to be a compliment.  Furthermore I prefer my writing to be simple, I think it is good way to relate to your readers and more importantly it is after all a reflection of who I am as a person. 

I think that for the most part people who know me as I am today, would say I'm pretty quiet individual who lives a pretty sedimentary lifestyle. Unfortunately the term (shade of gray) depiction I once made still fits me to this day.  However I on the other hand see myself now as just more reserved, definitely wiser and as someone whose soul is more at peace than it has ever been.

The End

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Now I guess I need to update everyone on my health situation, after moving to Tennessee I had to eventually find a healthcare provider.  I did some medical auditing at first so I was able to find a good primary care physician much like the one that I had left in Kentucky.  She is very nice and like all good physicians really listens to me about all my health concerns. I was referred out to a cardiologist for my heart problems and a neurologist for my migraines, than over time I started to see a diabetes specialist /endocrinologist.  Although I see all my doctors on a regular schedule the main one is my cardiologist who had been wrestling with my high blood pressure issues since my move to Tennessee, along with edema in my lungs and after my blood sugar kept shooting up I was referred to the diabetes specialist to try and lower my A1C which at its highest was 11.3 I believe.

In other words once I moved to Tennessee my health seemed to take (at least to me) a significant downward spiral. In the beginning, I felt like stress from the move along with my new job and having the Federal investigation still lingering was really taking a toll on my health and causing my medical conditions such as my CHF to increase, as I already knew I had heart problems and was well aware that my diabetes was uncontrolled. Needless to say as my health started to deteriorate, my CHF issues caused me to be placed on FMLA so that I could have more time off as medically necessary. For the most part I felt like it was a balancing act, work, doctor appointments, medicine changes and feeling bad was all just a part of it. 

After the company I worked for moved to our new facility, I had noticed that it was harder to manage my medical issues and I had started having chest pain more than I ever have had before. I was struggling to juggle my medications, work and health issues when I found out in December about the settlement and I remember thinking how much of a blessing this was since having the settlement should take some pressure off of me and it definitely did but just because you have some money in the bank doesn't mean your health issues subside.

This year definitely began on a good note, having settled the case and now being able to move on with my life. However by late March I was complaining even more of chest pain and my cardiologist was finally able to talk me into a CCTA in which to look for a blockage. I remember going to pick up the test results and reading it for myself >70 percent in LAD,  I remember thinking immediately that even with my limited medical knowledge I knew what that meant I needed intervention. Surely this was what had been building and causing my pressure issues. I remember thinking I had no real choice now but to allow my cardiologist to do a heath cath, get a stent / bypass or whatever was necessary to get this blockage taken care of.

Now normally you would think this might be when I say .. so just to let you know I am now doing fine and tell you about how well the surgery went .... well you would be WRONG!

Well I did have the heart catheterization but it definitely didn't go as planned.  After all the talking I had done with my cardiologist and the plans to put a stent or do a LIMA LAD.  I was told that it was less than 70% and no stent was placed.  I was told that I would still have all my medical problems as before.

To be exact my cardiologist stated that it didn't mean I couldn't have a heart attack tomorrow or next year but at the present time nothing was done. Lets just say I was not a very happy person, looking back  I still feel as though I shouldn't have even had that surgery because it was for nothing I should have just waited until I had a widowmaker (LAD) heart attack and taken my chances from the time I had learned I had the blockage on April 5th, because all the surgery did was add to my medical expenses.

So that pretty much catches you up to where I am now.. except .. here is a little more information.. So I am still not working, a long story but I will tell you short term disability is a rip off, they haven't paid me a dime because even though I put in for my short term due to the fact I was having surgery on a the new diagnosis of a blockage found in my heart they are trying to judge it to be pre-existing due to my chest pain.  So take it from me don't ever take out short term disability because they will do everything in their power not to pay you for the time taken, even my physician says the same thing and he even wrote a letter on my behalf stating that the time taken was based on a new diagnosis (not pre-existing) Anyway, I have filed an appeal and I am still waiting to hear their decision.

The doctors are all trying to adjust my medications and I have been trying to manage my health better since I'm not working. I must confess I feel as though I have been doing better after all not working has allowed me to relax from the stress, take my medications and basically get some much needed rest. I know the blockage is still there, and I still have all my issues but I have had much less chest pain while being off work, which I attribute to the lack of exertion (couch potato lifestyle).

I guess that is where I will end things for now.. I don't know what the future holds but I can only hope I still have some time here on earth before that heart attack comes for me.. Keep me in your prayers

The End.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Taking One Day At A Time

Wow, how long has it been?  Well it is definitely going to take a while to update you on how my life has changed after all several years have passed.

So take a seat and let me try and narrate the changes in my life and where I am today.

First of all, I couldn't say before but I turned the physician I worked for into the government, officially becoming what many characterize as a (Whistle-blower). There I finally said it.  For many years now I have felt like I was living two lives. 

The normal life.. in which to those that knew me was just as I have always been, living paycheck to paycheck, no relationship to speak of, working in health care, and with what many would call flat affect (showing a reduction of emotional expression).  For years I have described myself as frumpy, living a sedimentary lifestyle, going through the motions so to speak.  It was like the life was being sucked out of me as time passed. 

The hidden life.. I however was leading was brutal, I was keeping the secret that I had indeed turned in the physician I worked for to the government, and the waiting I was having to endure while the government did their investigation was grueling. I admit that at times I felt like I was going insane, like a portion of me was constantly going over the details, praying for patience, sleep and peace.  I wanted so desperately to find a way to quiet my brain, many nights falling asleep reviewing where in the process the investigation might be and how much longer before I would have closure. The easiest way to explain the case is to simply give you the government's URL

The government investigation was in the end approximately 4 years to the day, during which I moved to Tennessee closer to one of my daughters. After all I needed to start my life fresh and I knew that staying in Kentucky might prove to be difficult as I would need to be gainfully employed somewhere.

So I picked up and moved, placing everything I owned in storage and living out of boxes.  I lived with my daughter for the first year while working a couple of part time jobs until I found a full-time health care position for a major corporation. Where as, I was able to settle in to an apartment, and I must admit that it allowed me to finally exhale a bit.  I could now officially start my life fresh and hopefully put the past behind me, (whistle-blower that I was) now I could try to move forward with my life.

So here it is 2018 and back around Christmas time I learned of a settlement deal finally being reached between the government and the physician I had worked for.  I remember that moment, my phone had been on silent and when I finally checked it that afternoon a multitude of messages from my lawyers were left wanting me to contact them immediately.  I went to a conference room and almost passed out when they started telling me.  I remember one of the attorneys asking me if I was okay and understood and telling me more details would come later. I remember I felt weak and upon leaving work I was shaking visibly.  I told my daughter and was stunned, after all it couldn't have come at a better time ( it was Christmas time, it was nearing my birthday) so many thoughts raced through my head the main one being that it meant that I had been vindicated, I had finally received word that it was going to be over.  Thank God, Praise Be.. I remember thinking breathe. just breathe

It didn't matter that the settlement portion I would receive for being a whistle-blower would be after the first of the year, because I knew it was coming, I knew that the ordeal I had been living was almost over, closure was here and I could for lack of other words (BREATHE)

The End .. I will tell you more about where I am now tomorrow because it is getting late..

However I will tell you that my prayers were answered.  I had prayed to God many times to give me patience, to guide me, to bring me peace and I am truly thankful for his blessings.