Taking One Day At A Time

Well it is Thursday and I can't sleep .. just too much silence .. my thoughts won't stop.. my legs are hurting and overall I'm exhausted.. I would take something but than I would feel too tired tomorrow.. so overall that would be counter productive.. if you know what I mean anyways I think most people in my situation ( with medical conditions that is ) feel that you can't win the battle either way you decide .. feeling bad is just a way of life.. and it is funny how some people say that I shouldn't have a negative attitude on how everyday is going to be just another day filled with medical issues.. but I really wish they could feel like me.. for just 48 hours.. I would say 24 but I want them to get a real feel of how I it is to be me ..

For one lets take right this second as I sit perfectly still in a quiet room typing at almost 2am.. My mind wont stop.. thoughts racing through my brain about everything I should do and things I haven't done and things I could.. like here is what you could get done tomorrow if you feel like it.. here is what you need to work on.. and than at some point during all those thoughts I feel either sick at my stomach, burning pain in my legs in which I have to adjust how I am sitting.. feel my heart have some sort of earthquake issue in my chest (irregular beats) and all the while your yawning but realize that your blood pressure is up and your heart is racing so therefore any chance of you lying down will just end up making that looming pain in your head worse.. and you will only toss and turn ..

Well that about gives you an idea of how I am feeling at the present time.. however I do also realize I suddenly need something to drink ..possibly more heart meds and something for nausea.. and in a few hours it will be time for my diabetes meds.. however I prolong getting up because I just don't want to move anymore than I have to.. GEEZ

Here in just the past three years I feel like I have literally started to fall apart.. and not in a gradual way.. in three years I have gone from being a relatively happy person to being someone that should be happy but feels beaten.. sad and alone.. Beaten in the sense as someone recently stated ( I am living with this overwhelming hopelessness ) Yes I know you'd think people would be more uplifting but okay maybe I do have some sort of hopeless feeling .. depression issue .. anxiety nightmare that I am going through.. but

Is it that difficult to assume that I have lived in this nightmarish existence for so long now that I just have gotten use to my medical drama playing out day after day.. not to mention the stress..

Does anyone understand how disheartening it is to go to your doctors and hear we are going to up your meds, order this test, even the pharmacy doesn't leave you alone.. I get texts and emails letting me know I need to refill this medicine and if you don't refill something in a timely manner than it causes a chain of events.. Oh yeah did I mention I started with 2 doctors now I have 6 in just 3 years this is what my life has become ( I literally have to keep my calendar with me at all times to add or change doctors appts, tests and medicine refills in some kind of order ).. so no it is not fun..

I also have decided that maybe moving here was not the best decision I should have made.. because all this attention to my medical conditions obviously hasn't made me better but worse.. maybe it is better not to know what your body is trying to tell you.. not that I didn't realize I had medical problems.. I have known for years that I had medical issues and I was seeing doctors in Kentucky but at least a lot of my aches and pains were swept under the rug.. in other words a lot of my issues were contributed to stress and for the most part my primary care physician would just agree with me, refill my prescriptions and tell me to try and take it easy.. I think both of us knew I was going to be one of those people that just dropped at some point.. which in retrospect that is still the case.. Except now I am in a place that costs way more money than KY and reminds me consistently at how yeap that is what most likely will happen.. I will have a heart attack, stroke, or some sort of event in which I will just be able to make it to a healthcare professional or I won't .. ( I have my bets on myocardial infarction, otherwise known as a heart attack, massive coronary most likely ) either way I will either make it to an ER or I just won't ..

You know it is really sad when you tell your kids to prepare themselves to sue if they have to especially if I have a massive coronary while out driving to pickup my medicine.. and perhaps along with feeling massive chest pain plow into a family and not only die myself but possibly kill innocent people on the road with me .. Since the doctors had me on the table and decided my blockage in my LAD was not worthy of intervention measures.. Nope indeed I needed it to be more closed off like all those people that have say 90 percent blockages and are going through a life event like a massive coronary before I am allowed to have intervention.. Nope someone that comes in like myself because of finding the blockage ahead of that coronary event .. ( preemptive ) well all they had to say was if you start to have a heart attack definitely come back but otherwise continue to deal with your blockage ( and cardiac issues) until you meet the criteria..

Wow .. well for someone that has worked in the healthcare for over 37 years that is discouraging to hear to say the least...and so I deal with it after all there seems to be no other choice for me other than to now gauge everyday on a scale .. of 1 to 10 will this be the day..

Now if I had found a very small tiny bit of cancer really early they would have taken it out and done all the measures they could to fix me and cheered me on at the fact that indeed it had been found early.. and I would now have been given a better chance at recovery.. but no

Literally my physician told me that people walk around with blockages all the time and some like myself just have to wait until some follow-up or event meets the criteria..At which I just said to myself.. yeap I bet they do.. either they get a heart cath early on perhaps because of a history of heart disease and it shows plaque issues and they are told no you don't need a stent just go home on this cholesterol pill .. and they actually jump for joy and go about their way because you a doctor (a god in their eyes) said they would be okay .. or they don't see a doctor until they have a coronary event ..and discover they have a major blockage (heart attack city so to speak) and you do the surgery and luckily they live to tell how they just made it to the hospital and you fixed them .. or what ...All I could do is think so your trying to tell me that a lot of people are out here walking around with chest pain, arrhythmias, uncontrolled high blood pressure and tacky pulse rates along with diabetes and oh yeah a blockage in their LAD which is the widowmaker artery and they are just like me walking around waiting patiently unlike myself.. who is completely depressed, anxious, along with having a feeling of overwhelming dread.. is that what the doctors are trying to tell me ..

Shit.. it is almost 3am now.. I need to just lay down and pray that if I am meant to have a coronary it happens in my sleep and not while driving somewhere (one can only hope right)  The End..