Taking One Day At A Time

I will be honest I have no idea why today I'm sad but I am, most everyone considers me depressed because of my health and today I definitely would agree more than ever...but I also think I am sad over not being with family.. I talked to my one daughter that lives here on the phone this morning  and I know she is happy and doing her thing today which is fine.. after all she has a lot to be happy about but I know in my heart I was never really in that picture anyway .. so I feel okay about my New Year's resolution of staying to a budget and standing my ground on money issues..

Like I said I know she is doing her thing .. and I guess I am being a good Nana since right now I have Jordy here.. but I was just sitting here daydreaming that I miss my family.. all of them.. My father is in Las Vegas doing his life.. not that we are really that close but I would hope he agrees with me we are in a good place right now..

My mother who I am not close too and lately argued with is doing her life.. with my sister and her kids.. no need to go there other than to say .. it is truly sad to have such a dysfunctional life.. and in many ways I take the blame for the situation I am in..and the distance I have with all of them, especially my oldest ..Words can't even describe the hurt and loss I feel deep within my soul over that.. no words can ever wash away the pain I have carried all these years.. I will just continue to carry it for the remainder of my life.. and can only hope that someday she will come to realize I never ever stopped loving her.

Than my middle daughter .. I have no idea why I feel so distant from her other than she leads a busy life and one that for the most part I understand that I am not apart of.. I am able to chat with her here and there but it is never enough.. I want so much to be able see her more .. but I never go anywhere and well I don't want to bother her after all she stays so busy.. but I miss not only her but being there for my grandkids.. I know they will grow up and never really know me.. which hurts more than she knows..

Then there is my son .. well lets just say I have to remember to breathe and stop crying.. definitely not the way I had envisioned in starting the New Year...  I have to remember this is life.. kids grow up and lead their own lives and well all we can do as a parent of them is to continue to go on even if the path we are on is a lonely one. Families grow apart .. but life goes on until it doesn't .. thank God I have a dog..

The End