Taking One Day At A Time

Well here I sit at almost 6 am in the morning, I woke up crying this morning... bad dream I guess you could say .. I have them ever so often, about things I wish I could change in my life.. about being left alone in this world ( or at least that is how I feel ).. all those ghosts I guess I carry around with me.. either way .. I woke up having one of those dreams and crying, heart racing.  I guess the dream was spurred by my visit with my new doctor.. we were talking about my past and the feelings I have buried.. I said that I take full blame for everything and whether it is right to do so .. I do accept the blame because ultimately I am the cause of all the mistakes I have made along the way.. Anyway .. maybe my dream was somehow brought on by that .. all I know I was saying goodbye to someone that I loved and not because I wanted to but they were leaving and I couldn't convince them to stay..
I know that there had been some kind of confrontation and they were walking away, to be honest I don't remember all of it I just felt pain and was crying..

I do remember saying to my doctor that I have looked for happiness all of my life.. only to realize that happiness is something you can never find or hold on to.. instead you just have to find contentment in what you do have at any given time and learn to accept your life for what it is.. and this life I have now .. (and I have most everything anyone could want) is all that I have .. sure I don't have any real joy but I have settled with that .. I am alive at least for now.. and even though I still feel as though my medical conditions are overwhelming and holding me back from feeling good (less physical pain), having more energy, etc .. I am still here fighting.. After all in some ways I still feel like that person of so long ago just grasping to a ledge by my fingertips trying to hold on to my sanity .. Happiness and Joy I know may never come and I can accept that and just like I told my doctor .. I have learned to compartmentalize all those parts of my life and move on.. but I can honestly say I can't control my dreams that sometimes rear their ugly head every so often and remind me of the loss I feel or the love, joy and happiness I still so desperately long for..

Remember breathe.. and take each day one at a time..  The End