Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wednesday Exhausted As I Am I Can't Seem To Go To Bed

Taking One Day At A Time - is probably what keeps me going if you know what I mean. Today was our middle of the week, no patient day and I got a lot of things done at work and on the net. Overall I was pretty pleased with the day but I still have the upcoming statements to get out.
Idol started last night but right now its just auditions and they are always watched just to see what crazy can't sing people will do just to get on TV along with catching maybe the first glimpses of the talent that will charm us on the main competition part of the show. Last night it was Victoria Beckham or Posh Spice headlining as a guest judge and tonight it was Mary J Blige both talents in their own right. However it makes you wonder again what was the network thinking when they chose Ellen DeGeneres vs just letting some guest judges swap off and on American Idol so that it was never dull and people could see their favorite artists giving their opinions on the contestants. Oh well, they didn't ask me now did they, because if they had I wouldn't had picked Ellen.
Tomorrow is a big day at work so I better think about heading off to bed should have more time to write tomorrow. Did you see about the Haiti earthquake, always reminds me someday the big one might happen here since we are on the New Madrid fault.
I realized today that I've gone longer than I ever have before not having anyone make me feel loved or special, I am of course talking about men that is. Sad huh, but its true at least in the past I had people whether they meant it or not that said they loved me and they were happy with me and now well we won't even discuss what I have now but feeling loved is not the word I would use. Most of my family would probably just say that it doesn't matter and after this past couple of years I guess I would agree it doesn't matter anymore at least on paper but doesn't make my heart stop breaking apart inside. I never thought at my age I wouldn't have anyone, after all these years of being wild and crazy I guess I deserve it in a way but it still doesn't take away my pain. Most people see me as a strong business type of person who knows her nursing and handles things efficiently but they aren't here now watching me cry as I spill my guts out on this blog. They don't see how much I would give to be happy. There were several times in my life I thought I was happy and several times over the life was just sucked out of me and now I truly don't even remember what happiness feels like anymore, that is if I ever really had it at all.

I can't get a hold of Brit and I love my kids but she is pushing my buttons she always wants me to bail her out of tight spots with money and yet I never get it back like she says I will and right now she owes me quite a bit. I gotta stop doing giving her money all the time but its hard being tough when your kid needs something. Most of the time she makes an effort to pay me back but here lately I'm lucky to get back 50% of what I put in to the Brit fund. Oh well, another thing to add to my list of things to change huh. Talk to you guys later, Goodnight everyone.

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